so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
