This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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