We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
