I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
