My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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