Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
