just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
