so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
