she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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