You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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