Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
