alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
