i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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