if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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