saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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