Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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