Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
