I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
