I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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