Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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