i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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