I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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