i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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