You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
