Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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