I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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