$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
