Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
cat food counts as protein by the way
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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