So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
