Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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