Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize