Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
