I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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