Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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