i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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