She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
