from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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