FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
