I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
