just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize