I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
