Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
