i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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