I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
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