i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
