i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
