i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
