And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
