so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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