I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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