We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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