Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
