Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
