The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
