Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
