My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
