I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
