Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
