If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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